Three days. That’s how long it took me to sit down and write this. Every night I spend around 5 hours online trying to run away from this and end up sleeping at 7 am without actually getting the job done. So here I am music in my ears, fan blowing in my face, and pc in front of me getting ready to spill the beans.
I miss you. I just do. I tried hard not to but I can’t help it. I miss you. You visit me in my dreams uninvited. You pop up on my mind during the day when I miss you the least just to remind me that you’re gone and I can’t see you. I miss you. It hurts. I don’t want to miss you because there’s nothing that I can do to bring you back. But I miss you. I promised myself that I wouldn’t but I take it back, I miss you. I think about you constantly, you give me a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about you. I stare into space when I reminisce about how you used to be, not wanting to snap back to the reality of me not being able to tell you that I miss you. I think about you, what you’re doing, where you are, wondering if you miss me too, then I realize, I miss you. I sleep, go out, have fun, laugh, do work, then when I’m alone, you pop up. You crawl under my skin, you infest my brain, you fill the voids, and take me over with thoughts of anger, pain, love, and above all confusion.
I tried running away from the fact that I miss you that much, but thoughts of you start to surface, it’s like I’m trying to sink a balloon. Impossible. I thought I’d feel better after writing this, but no not really. I’m stuck here without you, unable to think of a way to get over this feeling. With a blinking cursor staring me in the eyes, I stare back at the screen just blank. Not a single thought other than the fact that I miss you. I don’t know what it is exactly that I miss about you; I don’t know when it became that bad, nor how these mixed emotions re-surfaced after immense trials of locking them up inside. This is beyond me, my brain is incapable of processing something that big, my heart is covered with barb wire just to keep you out, and my hands are ready to bury thoughts of you where the sun don’t shine, but then again you find your way into my soul through the tiniest gap.
Having said this, it’s 7 am again, off to sleep I go, maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe tomorrow I won’t miss you as much, maybe I’ll see you in my dreams tonight and that would take away some of the emptiness I feel without you, and maybe, just maybe; you miss me too.