A Lost Memory

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A silent moan … has anyone remembered?
Who is still able to remember about
how they were dreaming and longing
laughing and dancing
About living; instead of only existing;
and then about how they were dying …

Who is still able to remember
about flying towards heavenly worlds
beyond the borders of mind;
– where nothing matters at all
Maybe to linger and maybe once to return …

All that remains are our shadows
an echo that silently asks
Do we really exist;
or are we just a lost memory
of what could have been.

© Sirenia 2012

© Photo Stelios Mpatz

Beyond The Horizon

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Beyond the horizon
lies the divine light
mother of all living;
pouring out energy of life
It is the heartbeat of the universe
the essense of purity and love
and from here all paths start and end
The fate of all fates
the eternal
Forever there …

© Sirenia 2012
© Photo Stelios Mpatz

If I Am To Sleep

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If I am to sleep
make it to be with eyes wide open
Cause when the rays of the rising sun
kiss life into the world`s beautiful garden;
our earth becomes the greatest work of art
And in that time I can experience eternity;
the moment between two seconds
when the nature breathes an echo of a time;
A deeper meaning that will never exist
If I am to sleep
I hope it forever to be with eyes wide open

© Sirenia 2012
© Photo Stelios Mpatz

Where The Nights Still Dance

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Northern Lights, Tromso, Norway

Photo by Bjørn Jørgensen

 

What if I told you
about a legend of a long forgotten magic power
That lived far beyond from mortal poems
In a cold and frozen land far up north

At dark nights when the stars are painting
the frame for the nightly orchestration
Whispering the arrival of an endless blue
and green dancing wave with magic crowns

Stronger than a dream and higher
than an angel could ever fly
The frosty bridge between ancient gods
and human kind are being opened

And old power, magic and wisdom will float through
the veins of the ones that stands upon the mountain
lifting their arms up to the frosty flames
Singing a tune that brings the wolves to silence

What if I told you …
That the legend is true
All you have to do is to believe
and embrace the power of the Northern Lights
The frosty bridge does show in a time
when days are dark and velvet blue
In the cold land far north

… Where the nights still dance

© Sirenia 2012
© Photo ArcticPhoto

In Norse mythology:
“The Valkyrior are warlike virgins, mounted upon horses and armed with helmets and spears.
When they ride forth on their errand, their amour sheds a strange flickering light, which flashes up over the northern skies…”

The Tree

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Queen Tree, Hamar, Norway

Queen Tree, Hamar, Norway

 

In the lowering sky among the clouds
where the sky ships knows no rest
There is born a restless wind
that slowly begin to blow the mist
embracing the old hidden tree, away

With branches twisted through the ages
it carries all the leafs that come and go
for us to decide and them to leave
So – wich one to choose and keep forever

Searching for the one true leaf that wont leave
the one without a mask and dirty tricks
The newborn wind takes a deep breath 
and the leafs fall and go

And as the mist slowly fades away
carrying the remains into nowhere
there is one leafe left that didnt leave
And thats the only leafe that I will pick

© Sirenia 2011
© Photo Stelios Mpatz

*I often find inspiration to write from what I see in nature. I had a lot of forest and wildlife around me when I lived in Norway. This tree is majestic no matter what season it is. I used to pass this tree every day and was stunned each time.

In The Beginning There Was … Chaos

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“Do you take any other medications?”
The dentist looked up at me while I was standing in his office with a toothache from another world, trying to figure out which anitibiotics he would give me before he would rape my tooth in order to avoid pulling it out.

“Yes, I take Lithium.”
I heard it myself. My voice sounded like a duck, I actally quacked the words out of my swollen and very painful mouth.
The dentist immediately stopped what he was doing and stared at me. Oh man, here it comes. I remember taking a deep breath knowing what was coming.
“But …” he said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his legs while his eyebrows lowered a bit, ” you don’t look sick!”

No, I am well aware of that. I have a disorder. I have Bipolar Disorder. And I say I have Bipolar. I don’t say I am Bipolar. For me there is a big difference between the two of them. Having Bipolar is a part of me and who I am, but it don’t define me or who I am.

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This year it is 8 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder rapid cycling mixed states. Peewh, loong diagnosis! I am not sure when it all started but it was in my early teens. When I was 17 I was diagnosed and medicated for my first “official” depression.
And it took many years with many embarrassing episodes, depressions, manias where most people thought I was so funny, so effective, so creative and so full of energy!
And then I hit rock bottom like never before with full blown depression, anxiety and a lot of weird thoughts/scenes in my mind.
I got hospitalized. And there I met the one doctor who finally understood what I suffered from.
I continued to see him weekly for a long time after the hospital and he helped me to understand that is was a part of me. Forever.

But back to where I started. The episode at the dentist office.
When you have an illness which is invisible, people tend to not believe you. Illness is, according to most people, something they can see with their own eyes. It’s something you can’t hide when you have a cast on your arm or leg. Wheelchair or loss of hair because of cancer treatment.
But an illness of the mind? Come on! You don’t look sick! Pull yourself together and stop that nonsense!
I have heard it all, believe me.  I know I don’t look sick, but you don’t see me on my bad days either.

I wonder though; would it have been better if I looked and behaved like the professor in the movies “Back to the future?” Would it be easier for people to understand? Is this what people believe or expect when they hear about or meet a person who tells they have a mental disorder?  😀

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For a long time I was ashamed to tell. I told a few people and I never saw them again. People are afraid of what they don’t understand. Or maybe they also just concidered me as a total fruit cake which is fine by me. Sometimes I DO feel like a fruit cake 😀
Like when I keep forgetting things and by that I don’t mean what people say “I’m hopeless.”
No, I mean I go to the kitchen and don’t remember why I am there. I go to the store and have no clue what I was going to get or how I got there. I forget appointments. Or I go to the appointment but don’t remember why I am there. I forget words. I fall out of conversations, not rememberig what we talk about.
But I keep notes. I have a notebook where I write things down, hoping I will not forget.
I have felt stupid many times in stores, farmacies when they ask what I want and I say … “Eehh .. I don’t remember!” 😀 I can’t do anything else than to laugh of myself. So in that way I AM a total fruit cake 😀

forgetting
But this is an affect of Bipolar Disorder. One of the funny sides 😀

At this point, I feel I am mastering my illness and what has happened to me. Of course, there are days where I question everything and my own existence, but I don’t think that is something that is connected to my illness. Knowing what triggers my anxiety, knowing the signs of a depression or a mania coming is something I have learned to recognize. But sometimes it is just there without me seeing it. But life goes on 🙂

As absurd it may sound, this what I am going to say, I am greatful. I am greatful for all the things life gave me. Growing up with a narcissistic mother and an absent father since he could not face what was going on at home. Getting Bipolar Disorder. I am greatful for what my parents thaught me. I am greatful for what my disorder has taught me.
I learned what kind of person I don’t want to be. I learned that not all people has the ability to show affection since they are being tortured by their own demons and can’t see pass it. And I learned, in the end, to be ok with that.
I learned that life is not only black and white, but full of grey shades wich also hides their monsters. I learned to welcome them and dance along.
And in the end; I learned that I am allowed to celebrate myself. To love myself and forgive myself. Because none of this happening to me was ever my fault or a punishment of some kind.
I learned how to have a happy life. To laugh. I have my own family now and I am able to live life at its fullest and enjoy. Life is great!

Sirenia 2016

Photos Unknown

The Landscape

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… the landscape,
the valleys and the hills
which your path went through
on your lifes journey
– it seems divergent
as you take a peek back

And all that once was majestic
– boulders and forest –
are long gone
Only leaving an echo
of what once were

… though maybe it’s not absent
but rather it is the radiance
from your beating heart
of all you met on your
journey through life
who really made a difference

© Sirenia 2016
© Photo Stelios Mpatz